The weather

Here in central Illinois you never know what the weather will be like in November. I can remember many times Halloween costumes being ruined by a big parka and boots. Thanksgiving day spent digging out the grandparents so we can deliver dinner to them. This year so far we have had beautiful weather. Yesterday was mid 60's and a bit windy. Today is a much different story. It is very windy and maybe 40 degrees. I guess that is what got me thinking this morning. How can things change so quickly with no warning at all. I guess if you are really paying attention you can see little signs of change. Until last week I still seen my mother as a strong, active and vibrant woman. In my eyes she has never changed much. She was always eager for family gatherings and willing to help anyone. Last week I really looked at her. I don't mean looked at her like checking out her hair or makeup, I mean really looked at her. Her face seems different. Her eyes seem small and her face seems somewhat swollen. I see wrinkles I never noticed and where in the hell did her lips go. Honestly they look as though they have disappeared. Maybe just maybe they are in a drawer somewhere with her eyebrows. That is another thing missing. How is it I am just noticing these things. Oh and I think she has shrunk. Laying in the hospital bed the other night she looked like a little old lady. When did everything change so much? Why wasn't I warned? I wish life was like the weather. If I woke up and it was cold, I would simply put on a sweater and make the best of it. My mom is getting older and has Parkinson's Disease. There is not sweater in the world that will make that feeling go away or protect me from the harsh reality of life.

Vote

Well today is election day. In my house growing up I never remember my father voting. I do in fact remember the little sticker my mother wore after voting. She was proud of that. You see, in my mothers mind she is very up on politics. She will mispronounce names and get abit confused on who said what but she was informed. My mothers father was a strong republican and my fathers father was a stronger democrat. There were heated discussions at the breakfast table concerning this. My father would quote my grandfather speaking of the great depression and how the republicans must have forgotten about that. My mother soon conformed as she did to just about anything my father wanted. She is now a proud democrat. I guess that it is in her nature to want to be a people pleaser. I would get mad sometimes and think be yourself. She is the type of person who wants to fit in. She is now sixty three years old and still will conform to who she is with. It still pisses me off sometimes when I think about it. She is perfect the way she is. Don't put on a different coat because of who you may see at dinner. She has taken allot of hard blows in her life. People (person) have made her feel inadequate. I can only hope that one day she feels as special and unique as she truly is. By the way, I heard her say last night there is one republican she was voting for. I will take what I can get it's a start.

No expression

Well as I was getting ready for work today I couldn't help but wonder what my mom was doing. This was the day that my sister and I would sit in that little room with our little mom and hear the doctor say that little word "Parkinson's". One week ago we decided until Gail said that without a doubt this is what had been causing the multitude of symptoms we would not worry her. I hope she understands that we were trying to protect her. As I look back on so many times in my life she was the protector. Now the roles are reversed and I felt the need to shield her from any added pain. She wasn't feeling the greatest as we sat patiently for the Doctor to come and see her. Ok maybe I was hoping that she wouldn't come in. Surely somewhere there was an emergency that would keep her from seeing us today. I would politely make another appointment and put all this off until another day. That was not the case. Gail told my mother that she looked better. She explained that watching her walk down the hall (to the restroom for the third time in like 20 minutes) that she is showing improvement. She then talked to my mother as though she was ten years old. This bothered me at first but she was genuinely trying to speak so that my mom would understand. Gail looked at her and told her that she suspected she was suffering from Parkinson's disease. My mother sat there with no expression on her face. She looked as though someone had just said the dumbest joke ever. We asked if she understood and she simply said "yes". Yes that's it? I have been so freaked all weekend. I expected at least a "ohh what else could happen" or a "why me?". That was not the case. She listened as Gail spoke about her meds and the fact that we needed to see a Neurologist. End of appointment. Ok now the ride home. I am ready for the tears. I am ready for the questions of what will happen next. To my amazement there was none of that. This woman amazed me today. I on the other hand want to know what is next and why her? So as I sit here I am trying to figure out what the hell I would have said if she would have asked.

One day at a time

As I was driving back to work from lunch today I began to think. Would I really want to know what the future holds? I am not just speaking of things with my Mother. I mean with everything in life. Like-- what will my son be like at eighteen. Would I prefer to know now that he is going to be major pain in the ass. Would I want to know at twenty one he would be unemployed living in my basement dreaming of a career as the "Godfather of the guitar". Yes I know, he is twelve and a bit on the bright side, but it could happen. What would I do to change the outcome to that (besides take away his guitar and move to a house with nothing more than a crawl space) Seriously there is nothing I would change. There is nothing different about how I would raise him. I would simply plug along day to day. I guess what I am trying to convince myself of is no matter what I do it will not change the fact that my mother has Parkinson's disease. Will she continue to progress at a fast pace or will these meds help her a bit? I am not sure of any of that and I guess I don't want to know because it would not change a thing. I am going to be as good a daughter to her as she was a mother to me. I will take each day as it comes and be glad I still have someone to talk to on my way to work. I still have someone who is just as interested in my son as I am. Someone who no matter what happens loves me. Is Parkinson's going to take my mother? Well--not today!

Control Freak

Thank God for the Internet. No--really I am not sure how much books would have cost me to begin learning about this disease. I guess- - well I know I am a bit of a control freak. Learning all I can about this shit of a disease makes me feel a bit more in control. I have been this way my whole life. When most kids were picking teams I was figuring out new better rules for the game. Not that they needed to be changed it was just I like things my way. So this is why so many times in life I struggle. Oh the old saying when life gives you lemons you must make lemonade. Yea well fuck all that. I want to change the recipe. I need one person squeezing the lemons--one person measuring the sugar--someone to stir. That is what I need to happen right this minute. Someone figure out the bills at work--someone else take care of my uncle whose house has burned and needs a hand--send me a person to take care of my household duties-- spend time with my son he deserves it--make sure my dad is doing ok physically and mentally--someone anyone tell me Mom is going to be fine!! That is my life recipe. I want it. I need it.

Well today as I sat at work I got the call. This was not just a call it was the call. The call I didn't want to answer. I tried to sound cool and calm, but I felt my voice crack as I said "hello". It was my mothers doctor (i will from here out simply call here Gail). She was very kind and concerned. You see yesterday as I sat in this little office with my shrunken mother she told me she suspected my mother had Parkinson's. I didn't want to hear that. As hard as I try I am not sure what she said next. I remember something about doing some blood tests and the way my Mom walked down the hall, and the fact that she was stiff and loosing weight for no reason and I will call you tomorrow. That is how I remember it. Well the phone call today pretty much confirmed her diagnosis. We began her on medicines today. We spoke of depression and the fact that this isn't a death sentence. It feels like one to me. Is this terrible disease going to take my Mom? Is this diagnosis going to change everything about our daily lives? How will I explain this to my son? Will I get this disease as well? Will my sister get this? I have so many questions and so many things going through my mind. Ohh by the way my sweet, honest, energetic, loving, and supportive mother doesn't know yet. How am I going to tell her? That's correct she doesn't know yet. I must have a plan with the doctors first. We must sit down and explain everything to her. She will be broken, I can feel it. Monday will be the day. Not over the weekend. God let this be a good weekend.