One day at a time

As I was driving back to work from lunch today I began to think. Would I really want to know what the future holds? I am not just speaking of things with my Mother. I mean with everything in life. Like-- what will my son be like at eighteen. Would I prefer to know now that he is going to be major pain in the ass. Would I want to know at twenty one he would be unemployed living in my basement dreaming of a career as the "Godfather of the guitar". Yes I know, he is twelve and a bit on the bright side, but it could happen. What would I do to change the outcome to that (besides take away his guitar and move to a house with nothing more than a crawl space) Seriously there is nothing I would change. There is nothing different about how I would raise him. I would simply plug along day to day. I guess what I am trying to convince myself of is no matter what I do it will not change the fact that my mother has Parkinson's disease. Will she continue to progress at a fast pace or will these meds help her a bit? I am not sure of any of that and I guess I don't want to know because it would not change a thing. I am going to be as good a daughter to her as she was a mother to me. I will take each day as it comes and be glad I still have someone to talk to on my way to work. I still have someone who is just as interested in my son as I am. Someone who no matter what happens loves me. Is Parkinson's going to take my mother? Well--not today!

Control Freak

Thank God for the Internet. No--really I am not sure how much books would have cost me to begin learning about this disease. I guess- - well I know I am a bit of a control freak. Learning all I can about this shit of a disease makes me feel a bit more in control. I have been this way my whole life. When most kids were picking teams I was figuring out new better rules for the game. Not that they needed to be changed it was just I like things my way. So this is why so many times in life I struggle. Oh the old saying when life gives you lemons you must make lemonade. Yea well fuck all that. I want to change the recipe. I need one person squeezing the lemons--one person measuring the sugar--someone to stir. That is what I need to happen right this minute. Someone figure out the bills at work--someone else take care of my uncle whose house has burned and needs a hand--send me a person to take care of my household duties-- spend time with my son he deserves it--make sure my dad is doing ok physically and mentally--someone anyone tell me Mom is going to be fine!! That is my life recipe. I want it. I need it.

Well today as I sat at work I got the call. This was not just a call it was the call. The call I didn't want to answer. I tried to sound cool and calm, but I felt my voice crack as I said "hello". It was my mothers doctor (i will from here out simply call here Gail). She was very kind and concerned. You see yesterday as I sat in this little office with my shrunken mother she told me she suspected my mother had Parkinson's. I didn't want to hear that. As hard as I try I am not sure what she said next. I remember something about doing some blood tests and the way my Mom walked down the hall, and the fact that she was stiff and loosing weight for no reason and I will call you tomorrow. That is how I remember it. Well the phone call today pretty much confirmed her diagnosis. We began her on medicines today. We spoke of depression and the fact that this isn't a death sentence. It feels like one to me. Is this terrible disease going to take my Mom? Is this diagnosis going to change everything about our daily lives? How will I explain this to my son? Will I get this disease as well? Will my sister get this? I have so many questions and so many things going through my mind. Ohh by the way my sweet, honest, energetic, loving, and supportive mother doesn't know yet. How am I going to tell her? That's correct she doesn't know yet. I must have a plan with the doctors first. We must sit down and explain everything to her. She will be broken, I can feel it. Monday will be the day. Not over the weekend. God let this be a good weekend.